Rantings, mostly…

Despite the recent tragic loss of my niece, and the twice now horrible experiences we have had setting off a few fireworks, happy 4th people.

Monday, we tried setting a few fireworks off.  The police were called by a local drunk asshole we all know and hate.  Although the local newspaper is what notified us that the “burn bans” had been lifted, the officer threatened to confiscate our fireworks (thank God 85% of them were located in the house and not outside with us).

Then in some strange stroke of kindness (more like he realized he was an idiot) he just offered that we quit for tonight, or find a good field or something (um… but you were warning us about the burn ban?) and was on his way.

Well, tonight, one of my neighbors in all his drunken glory decided he would take one of my fountains (I didn’t care) and light it himself.

As my wife, I, and my four daughters looked on it amazement we realized not one second into the lighting that something was amiss.

The first shot of 16 fired, *PPOOOM!*, and that was what sent the fountain skittering on its side.

The fountain continued firing off round after round, *PPOOOM!  PPOOOM!*, sending these mini-mortars flying in my children’s direction, several of my neighbor’s directions and even down to the end of our street barely missing my last neighbor on my side’s *very* nice car.

Needless to say, I said screw this shite, and took everyone inside.  Luckily no one was hurt.

But is God trying to tell us something?  You know… like… “Fuck you!”

But it ended with a ton of fireworks-goodness!

It started out by us driving across states into Indiana.  We went to one of the newest Phantom fireworks outlets.

Anyway, we get there and to our joyous surprise, *EVERYTHING* is buy one get one free and you can mix and match anything above twenty dollars.

Everything was fine and dandy until I got to the register, rang up all of our stuff and the girl behind the counter with the cutest possible smile I am sure she could muster said:

“That’ll be $1,134.65 sir.”

Evidently, as I stared clean through her skull, she figured her joke sucked and opted to continue…

“Hu hu hu… just kidding”, she said.  It’s actually $568.69.  You saved $622.32 today!  And guess what?”

I mockingly said in an excited tone, “I dunno… wha… ?”

Before saying anything she realized I was making fun of her hick accent, and then said with a frown and sigh, “You get tons of free stuff.  Happy?”

“Um, well hell yeah!”, I gasped in anticipation.

I’ll skip the rest of the exasperated dialog, but I will tell you this.  The free stuff was:

2 Grand Finale Assortments ($109.99 a piece)
1 Thunder Mountain ($79.99)
1 Wolf Pack Radical Recoil Shells ($49.99)
1 Napalm Bomb ($39.99)
1 Palm Pyro Pageantry ($29.99)
1 Wolf Pack Assorted Rockets ($29.99)
1 Phantom Fireworks T-Shirt (and no, it isn’t the one employees wear!)

You got that right.  $449.93 in free stuff!  And only one of those items (Palm Pyro Pageantry) was discontinued.  Of course that’s not counting the t-shirt.

I have no clue how they can afford to give away so much free stuff.  I guess a business where you sell cardboard and low explosive pyrotechnics that you manufacture for a few dollars per item is pretty stinking lucrative.

Bastards think they’re slick.  Like I don’t know better.

But who am I kidding?!  I got $450.00 in free shit!

(You can click on the first image to see a larger view.)